Bartender (P/T) (El Cajon/Lakeside)

The Coo Coo Club (a large dive bar) is seeking a bartender who is available mornings 6-11am, days 11-6:30pm and nights 6:30-2am. (The more shifts you are available the better your chances.) Candidate must have 6 months of full liquor experience. (Bartending school does not count.) This position will be from 2 to 3 shifts per week. I am primarily looking for a night bartender right now, but opening and daytime maybe open soon. If you can't work full shifts as described above, please do not apply. If you do apply, please do not be surprised if I ask you in for an interview that day and put you to work the next day!

Although we are a dive bar, we obey all laws and regulations. We are safety and security conscious. As such, all bartenders are required to have their LEAD card or must obtain one within 3 months of the start of your employment. All employees are subject to random drug testing (hard drugs only, as I HATE TWEAKERS) and background checks. We also employ surveillance cameras, spotters and decoys to insure policies are being followed.

Applicants must be happy and outgoing team players. As such, others will cover your shifts and you will be expected to cover others. You should also be aware that bartending is not just pouring drinks, but entertaining, cleaning and performing maintenance.
People seem to remember this ad. I probably place it about 3 to 4 times a year. The main reason is, is that I do not hire customers or walkin's. The last time I ran this ad, I hired a guy and explained very specifically that I did not allow drinking while he was working. The very first shift he worked alone, he was pounding drinks. So if that is you, don't apply as you will get fired.
I freely admit that I can be a prick bastard. I am not an easy person to work for (if you don't follow the rules). However, my bartenders rarely quit... The one now that I am likely to replace is because he has a major career opportunity. If you show that you have the best interests of the business in mind, go out of your way when needed and do what is asked of you, I will reward you with better shifts and go out of my way to help you and work with you in every possible way to make your life easier.

THIS IS IMPORTANT (and may actually result in you getting the job!): Please email me your resume, a cover note or letter and include your availability. It is amazing to me how many people will ignore this simple request. If you can't follow this basic request, how can I expect you to follow the rules? It would be greatly helpful if in your note/letter you explained what you are ideally looking for and why. If your past experience shows you have worked at downtown clubs or high end places, explain why you are applying for a dive bar position. If your resume has an out of state address please explain. If you live in PB or Oceanside explain why you are willing to travel that distance for a few shifts a week. The more information I have, the better I can determine if you are a good candidate. I toss 95% of applications/resumes because I look at what has been presented and I have to make assumptions. I don't like to do that, but I will get plenty of qualified applicants, so I don't have the time to find out everyone's story. I will not respond to questions without the above information attached, That is what the interview is about. NO CALLS OR WALK-INS! (And some of you will ignore this and cause you to automatically be rejected)

If you have sent me your resume in the past, please send it again. (I get a LOT and I ignore them when I have filled the position). Trevor/Taylor/Tyler (guy) I interviewed you but can't find your resume. If still looking for a job, let me know!

-

Hi this is Trevor, its nice to get back in touch with you. I have worked at several dive bars and I also went to the Bartender Academy in East LA. I live in Las Vegas but in "this economy" I am very willing to commute, so it is not an issue. I do a little bit of meth here and there but I shoot-up in the bathroom so forget about your security cameras. Drinking on the job is an absolute must for me and I'm sure you'll be OK with it when you see how well I perform. I love that you are a total pricksucker, just the kind of guy that can keep employees for more than a couple of months. Please respond soon with a high salary offer (if salary is not included you will automatically be rejected) as I have many other opportunities awaiting.

Trevor Swayze

High End Unique Doughnut Shop (West Valley)

We're looking for someone that can manage a high end doughnut retail store. Knowledge and experience a must. Salary, bonus and incentives.
Please submit resume with work experience and history. Experience at other high end doughnut shops a plus.

-

Hi, this seems to be the perfect position that I've been waiting for. I got my start at Dunkin' Donuts and worked there for several years until I got an offer to manage Jolly Pirate Doughnuts. They offered me $10 an hour, so I obviously took the job and I've been looking up ever since. After 3 years managing at JPD, I moved into the executive chef position at Super Go-Go Donuts. This is a fine dining doughnut establishment that I am sure you are familiar with. All of our doughnuts were sautéed in truffle oil and our jelly fillings were made with fabulous ingredients such as Kobe beef and live sea urchin. I lost my job at Super after a controversial child-rape case. I am ready to turn my life around and this seems to be the opportunity that will allow me do that. Let me know what you think.

Nick Norris

-

Hi Nick,

We Have 3 high end frozen yogurt stores in the San Fernando valley and are going to add a unique line of donuts in one or more of our stores. Your resume indicates you have prior experience in this area. Do you live in the area? If so we would like to meet with you. Please let us know if you could come in to our West Hills store at xxxxxx Ave.
Thanks,
B.

(I have withheld the name and company name)

Haunted Attraction Actors needed (101 and I-10)

We need HIGH ENERGY actors in Arizona's Largest Haunted Attraction The NEST. Visit us at www.frightened.com, then apply here! Work now!!! Wanna scare people till they pee? Check us out then call. 480-343-2395 ask for Tana....... Don't even apply if your are shy or a sissy!!! WE NEED CRAZY SCARY CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-

Hi Tana,

I wanna scare people until they piss in their pants. In order to prove to you that I'm not a shy submissive sissy boy, I will shit in my hands and throw it at people! If they aren't pissing, puking and shitting themselves at that point, I've got other crazier and scarier ideas! Check me out.

Bill "The Wild Shit-Eater" Thompson

-

---

I like your energy Cal me tomorrow

Glenn

480-999-9999

-

"What to do? I can't believe it, so I wait another day."

-

Wish you were real Bro

-

Wow, you guys are hardcore! I wish Bill was real too, you might be able to find him if you post the ad in Florida. Good luck with the haunted house, I'm sure that it will be intense with you guys running it.

BIKINI BARISTAS/BARMAIDS (Palm Springs)

Destiny Promotions is seeking to hire Bikini Baristas & Barmaids for a new Bar/Cofee Lounge in a local Desert Hotel. Barsistas will work behind the bar creating specialty drinks, both alcohol and coffee related. Barmaids will serve poolside and lounge areas, mainly alcohol/coffee drinks to the patrons. Attire for the baristas and barmaids will either be bikinis or shorts with Hotel T-shirt. 

The pay is $18-$25/hr. plus tips. Evening shifts only. 4 nights a week. NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED, but must be responsible, courteous, and professional. 

If you are interested please email your resume/bio, and pics both head shots and full body to Attention : mariemontoya72@yahoo.com 

-

I can tell when someone is trolling for pics, but you seem genuine to me.  I was especially convinced by the yahoo.com email address, this is quite professional.  I think I can trust that these pics will go into good hands.  Let me know how soon I can start, I'm the bear with the hat on.  WOOF

Johnny Utah

Experienced Bus Person (Bankers Hill)

Fine dining restaurant is looking for people who have experience bussing in upscale restaurants. We are looking for proactive, self starters who have a good positive attitude. People who want to arrive to work on time and fully dressed, prepared to work. We are only interested in people who understand that this is a place of business and will respect it as such, by following policy. Please place your resume in the text of an email and send it toworkforus2009@aol.com. Please do not send an attachment, we can't take time for the downloads and we will just delete your reply.  - Hi.  I was just wondering how it is that a busser can be "proactive".  A busser has nothing to clear from the tables until something is ready to be cleared.  I really do want to work for you but you're making it so hard.  I have to show up for work fully dressed?  I didn't build up this sexy six-pack for nothing, so I will definitely be showing it off before work.  Also, I don't have time to type my resume up so I have attached it.  Only respond if you're serious please. Nick Nobu - Having fun? I hope you find yourself as entertaining as you think you are!   - Hey there, thanks for the timely response.  I am a bit confused by your statement however.  If I think that I am entertaining, then I will obviously find myself entertaining.  But I'm trying to bus tables here, not entertain people.  So when do I start?

Experienced Line Cooks Needed (Sepulveda & Santa Monica Blvds.)

Hole In The Wall Burger Joint is currently expanding and needs experienced line cooks for its growing business! 

Applicants MUST be able to: 
- speak and read English fluently 
- cook meat to the correct temperature/doneness i.e. medium rare, well done, etc 
- supervise others 
- work in a fast paced environment 
- work well under pressure 

YOU MUST HAVE GOOD KNIFE SKILLS 
YOU MUST HAVE 4 YEARS COOKING EXPERIENCE IN A HIGH VOLUME RESTAURANT 
YOU WILL BE TESTED ON YOUR KNOWLEDGE 

-

Hey there, I am enquiring about the knowledge examination for the job.  I have been cooking burgers for over 20 years, and I just need to know what else might be on the test besides medium rare, well done, etc.  I consider myself very knowledgeable concerning burgers.  I know what goes on a rodeo cheeseburger, and I'm also familiar with animal style.  Please respond soon as I have an impressive salary package pending at In-N-Out Burger.

Jesus Hubbard

-

Good luck at In-N-Out

-

Thanks bro, its gonna be a tough job.  I'll let you know how its going.

Jesus

Chef/Houseman for Santa Ynez Household (Santa Ynez)

Seeking a Chef/Houseman. Please read the following carefully and only apply if you have the qualifications and agree with the following: (No couples, please.) 
Full time 5 days per week. Days off are Sunday and Monday. 
Separate apartment provided. 
Must be a trained Chef able to cook and serve meals without onions and garlic; prefer training in Northern Italian cuisine; Able to make ice cream and sorbets, pasta from scratch.; Responsible for cleaning and maintaining all equipment in meticulous order in a family kitchen.; Provisioning 

Houseman Duties include but are not limited to the following: 
Hands-on property management skills, animal care, assist with luggage, wash cars, etc. 

Please email back your resume and tell us about yourself in a cover letter as well. 

Thank you for your interest. 

-

Hi, my name is Patrick.  I trained in Lombardy for 7 years in preparation of fine Italian cuisine.  I must disagree with the onions/garlic restriction, these ingredients are essential to the authentic recipes of the region.  About the animal care; I'm not going to pick up your dog shit, so forget about that one.  Assist with luggage and wash your car?  Are you fucking kidding me?  If you pay me enough perhaps I can use part of my own salary to hire a kid to do that.  I'm also concerned about your request for no couples.  Can I please get laid once in a while since I'll have my own apartment?  I'll fuck just about anything, if you could arrange for that it would be greatly appreciated.

Pat Lombardi

EXPERIENCED PIZZA MAKER WANTED!!!

Looking for pizza maker who is experienced with thin crust, HAND TOSSED pizza to work in a fast paced, high volume restaurant by the beach. Must be able to work nights. If you know what you're doing we'll pay accordingly! If you're pizza experience consists of Pizza Hut, Papa John's, Domino's etc., please don't waste my time or yours. I'm too busy to train you. If you're my man/woman, you'll love working here. If you try to fake it I'll know. 

-

Hey there!  I have worked at both Pizza Hut and Dominos.  I guarantee that I can fake it in front of you and you will think that I actually know how to make pizza.  Get back to me with a salary offer, and no low-balls please.

Thanks,

Bodhi

Hiring Japanese or Korean sushi chefs (l.a. and o.c.)

We are hiring experienced sushi chefs for our body sushi catering business. Must have two years professional restaurant or catering experience. 
Be artistic with the sushi creations, since they will be placed on live sushi models. Must be available nights and weekends and have a positive attitude. 

Please e-mail resume with picture and contact info. References will be checked. 
or you can contact us @ (310) 000-0000

-

Hi, I'm 1/2 chinese and hawaiian.  I hope that I look asian enough for this job.  I am curious as to what race and gender the models will be.  If it will be black men then I am down for sure!  I also want a picture of you, because I don't work for white people and I will need proof that you can pass for an asian.  I am the guy in the blue suit.

Bodhi Kahanamoku

Insect Collecting (Kalispell, MT)

Need insects for a bug collection - want to help me collect them? 

Location: Kalispell, MT

Compensation: $1.00 per insect

- 

?

Pizza Job Questionnaire

1) Tell us about a time you WoWed a customer. 

I once made an incredible pizza and the customer sent me a personal thank you note.  That was an amazing experience.

2) Vegetables need to be cut, boxes need to be made, and tables need to be cleaned. What do you do first and why? 

Smoke a cigarette, because fuck all that other stuff.

3) Tell us about a time you made a mistake. What did you do and what did you do next? 

I burned someone accidentally, afterwards I awaited the impending lawsuit.

4) Why are pizzas round? 

Why do I have a cock and balls dangling between my legs?

5) Why you? Out of the 3 or 4 hundred people applying for this position what makes you the right choice? 

Because I want to work for someone that belittles me and reminds me daily that I should live in fear of being replaced by the hoards of people that will do my job for less money.  

-

Thank you that was really funny. Certainly not the same boring old stuff.

-

Haha!  No problem.

Line Cook

Looking for hard working, knowledgeable, focused cook. organic, slow food restaurant. food is home style comfort and technique driven. No BS. If you worked at applebee's or any of those places don't bother applying. you will waste my time and yours. If you have a real passion for food you will like working here I promise. 

-

What's up.  I have 9 years of cooking experience.  I have changed jobs many times as I can't seem to last long at any of them.  I have worked passionately at Chilis, Applebees and China Camp.  I don't want you to call any of my references because I was fired.  Please don't email me if you are not serious about hiring me.  I am very busy so don't waste my time.

Thanks,

Bill Hicks

WOBBLE BOARDERS (Imperial beach)

Do you have high energy? 
Like to draw attention to yourself? 
Do you like to move and shake your thing? 
Domino's Pizza of I.B. is holding interviews for Wobble Boarders this Sunday at 3pm.  

Call 858 536-7997 ext 7723. Leave your name and number.  

 Must be at least 18. Part time early evenings and weekends.

-

Wobble Boarders?  Oh, these are the guys that stand out on the sidewalk holding up signs and dancing!  I'm actually considering this as my next career move.  I could combine my youthful energy with my decision to throw in the towel on my life.  This has got to be the ultimate gateway job that sends a person down a path of self-destruction, ultimately landing them in prison.  I will only take the position if I can wear a clown outfit or a monkey suit.  Holla 'atcha boy.

Nick "Wobble Board Shredder" Balzer

Grill Chef (Ocean Beach)

NEED A GRILL CHEF WITH AT LEAST TWO YEARS EXPERIANCE IN THE KITCHEN, PREFERABLY WITH A VALID FOOD HANDLERS SAFTEY CARD. MUST BE A FAST PACED QUICK LEARNERWHO HANDLES WELL UNDER THE PRESSURE OF A LUNCH/DINNER TIME RUSH. NO FACIAL PIERCINGS, FACIAL TATOOS, OR DREADLOCKS (SORRY). MUST HAVE OPEN SCEDUAL. IF YOUR A GOOD CHEF THAT LIKES WORKING WITH FRIENDLY PEOPLE THIS MAY BE THE JOB FOR YOU, CALL (619) 300-4311 ASK FOR MELVIN (manager) TO GET MORE INFO!!!  -  I don't know where to start Melvin.  Maybe that ALL CAPS is hella annoying.  I'm not impressed by all the spelling errors either: experience, safety, tattoo, schedule, you're.  I think I should be able to have a tattoo since I know how to spell the word.  My client Steven N. is interested in this position.  Email back with a high enough salary offer and I will contact him.  Don't waste my time or his with anything under 75k annual.  I haven't seen Steven in a while but he might currently have dreadlocks, I'm sure that will not be an issue. Thanks, Bodhi Nobu

Experienced Server - San Diego

Minimum 7 years experience only. Forward resume. 
Please have food and beverage knowledge, and intangibles that set you apart. 

-

Hi !  I have 14 years of fine dining experience and thorough food and beverage knowledge.  Intangibles?  Something that you might not grasp is that I have a creepy obsession to serve people.  I like to be dominated by both my customers and my managers.  When I say dominated, I mean whipped and beaten.  Please respond with your salary offer soon, as I have many other opportunities waiting right now.

Thanks,

Paul Horner

HOTT BARTENDERS & SERVERS (MILL AVE)

THE LIBRARY BAR AND GRILL: 
Downtown tempe's hottest club is now accepting applications for HOTT SERVERS AND HOTT BARTENDERS. 

**all applicants must specify what position they are looking to fill. 
**all applicants must submit a current photo 
**all applicants must have at least 2 years experience 

adiitional experience in dance is extremely helpful! 

so if you think you got what it takes to be a world famous LIBRARIAN send a photo and resume to this post! 

-

Whats crackin?  I'm totally HOTT and I've worked at a library for several years.  Sorry, I don't have a recent picture but this one is stupid HOTT.  I have also been dancing/stripping for 3 years.  I want to be world famous so bad, I would be willing to do anything!  Holler at your new girl!

Candy Cane

Male “Abercrombie&Fitch” Types wanted

Male “Abercrombie&Fitch” Types wanted  As wait staff for High End Parties + Events.  Catering experience required.  Earn money between auditions!  Please submit resume and PHOTO to this post. - Is this a joke?  I don't really want to send my picture for you to beat off with.  Times are tough right now, so I guess I'll just give you what you want.  When I start working for you I don't want to be harassed constantly (no playful ass-grabbing).  I think that you will find me super metrosexy, and you will see that I deserve top salary. Nick Balzer

Fine dining server (Banker's Hill)

PLEASE …READ ENTIRELY BEFORE YOU REPLY! 

(someone) at (somewhere) restaurant is looking for an experienced professional fine dining server for a part time/fill in restaurant position. This is not a training environment. We are looking for someone already possessing a vast amount of knowledge in gourmet food and fine wine, people who are passionate about food and wine. This knowledge is usually acquired with about 5-10 years of high end restaurant experience with a guest check average of around $100 per person. You need to be extensively familiar with fine French and California wines. If you have only worked in places with a sommelier you may not have enough wine knowledge. If you have only worked at casual restaurants such as Olive garden, Chilies or Red Lobster you may not have the gourmet food knowledge. While those are nice restaurants, our menus are much more complex. We are looking for an individual specifically suited to our existing staff who is dedicated to serving our guests. 

-

Hey there, didn't have time to read your post sorry.  I have worked at such excellent restaurants as Applebees and Nobu, and I was the sommelier at China Camp.  I left Applebees due to the non-complexity of the happy hour menu and  because of some disagreements with the Chef de Cuisine.  I am hoping that your restaurant challenges me in a way that China Camp and the others failed.  I look forward to meeting you.

Richard "Big Dick" Balzer

College-educated nanny (Upper West Side)

We are seeking to hire a full-time, live-out nanny to help care for our two daughters (2 years old and due in October). Our ideal candidate is energetic, well-educated, honest, reliable, fun-loving and truly enjoys young children. Must have college degree, prior babysitting or nanny experience and excellent references. If interested, please attach a resume to your reply and indicate your age, marital status, the age of your children (if any), languages spoken, and whether or not you are legal to work in the U.S. Many thanks. 

-

Hi there!  Oh boy, I went to college for this?  Let me tell you a little bit about myself.  I have a PhD in virology and molecular biology, I'm 28 years old, single with no children.  I smoke and drink heavily.  I speak espanol, japanese and english.  I was born in the United States so I'm pretty sure that I can legally work here.  I will require a minimum of a 6 figure salary and I will also need sufficient space in your house to set up a laboratory so I may continue to do my research.  There will also be several student workers and post-docs coming and going throughout the day.  On the weekends I will likely be hosting lab parties which usually don't get too out of hand so don't worry.  I won't be living with you, just working and partying (think Re-Animator).  This is the opportunity that I've been waiting for, please let me know when I can start setting up shop.

Thanks,

Paul Horner